Wondering why? Promise not to judge me or call me crazy (even though I know I am).
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Yes that is a picture of my pee stick up there
I know you’re probably thinking “why were you an ugly crying mess?!”. The answer is simple – it wasn’t my first time at the positive pregnancy test rodeo.
In early January 2011, Jim and I found out I was pregnant. We were shocked, excited, and unbelievably excited to expand our family. We decided to start trying a month earlier and were very lucky and blessed to get pregnant so soon. We told our families after our first ultrasound where we not only got to see our little bean, but hear it’s heartbeat too. We picked names (Greyson for a boy, Emerson for a girl) and eagerly awaited the day we could tell the world.
At our 10 week appointment, my OB couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler. She brought in the portable ultrasound machine and our worst fears were confirmed – the baby had stopped growing. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room when they told us I had suffered what is termed a “missed miscarriage” and needed to have a surgical procedure known as a D&C that week to remove the fetus. A missed miscarriage is different from a “regular” miscarriage in that there are no symptoms or signs of the miscarriage. No cramping, no bleeding. Nothing to make you think that your child has stopped developing.
Our world came crashing down around us. We went from being excited to see our baby’s growth to feeling sadness, heartbreak, worry, and embarrassment. We had to call excited family members and break the news all the while figuring out how to deal with our own grief over the loss we had just sustained.
Why am I sharing this with the world? Because I hate how taboo pregnancy loss is. I hate that I felt embarrassed that day, as if my body had failed me, my husband, our child. I felt alone and scared. Luckily for me a friend of mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who had went through a very similar situation. Without her emails and replies of “I understand”, I truly don’t think I would have been able to realize it wasn’t my fault nor could I have done anything to control it.
Because of this loss, I became scared and cynical for future pregnancies, hence why I was an ugly crying mess one year ago today.
When I got that second positive pregnancy test, 8 months after the first, I immediately felt fear instead of happiness, like you should feel when you find out you’re pregnant. Instead of Googling baby names I was researching miscarriage statistics. Instead of talking about the future of our family, Jim and I didn’t talk about the pregnancy, as if not talking about it would make it “stick”. I look back at this and feel sad that we couldn’t enjoy those early moments where it was our secret between the two of us (but is it really enjoyable when your dry heaving all the time and sucking on Preggie Pop Drops all the time?! ;)).
I got through the pregnancy with lots of positive thoughts and repeating a mantra a wise friend told me – “Don’t let your fear control your happiness”. Without that, I don’t know how I would have made it through.
So here I am… A year later and a proud mommy to a beautiful and healthy almost 4 month old little lady. Jim and I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have been able to get pregnant so quickly both times and to be able to raise our little girl. The loss we suffered certainly made us stronger together and the birth of our daughter brought everything full circle and allowed us to experience what unconditional love is like.
I’m not really sure what my intention is with this post other than to be open and honest about our journey to parenthood. I hate that pregnancy loss is such a hush-hush subject when the statistics are staggering as to how many women actually suffer miscarriages. I can only hope that someone reading this who has suffered a loss will realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and to not give up, even of that means ugly crying when you get your next positive pregnancy test.